Everything that is happening seems so surreal. If I look back on my life, I never expected anything like this to happen. I’m just a simple, ordinary girl who can always go unnoticed. Who would have ever thought that my life would come to this point?

In four days, my life will change. My WHOLE LIFE will change. All that I have gained, all that have been offered to me, given me – the materials things – all of them I would leave. Bringing with me only those that matter, my faith and my love for God, and the values that have guided me through out my life.

Everything is a mix of emotions. I am happy, yet sad. I am excited, but so nervous. I am confident in the midst of fear. There are times when my mind tells me, “You were crazy to make this decision! You’ll be leaving so much behind!” It continues, “How about you take it back and return to a more comfortable, ‘normal’ way of life? It is sooo much easier!” Then there are times when I become nostalgic when looking around our parish church, gazing at it intently as if trying to carve its image into my mind: the crucifix, the Tabernacle, our own Mt. Carmel, the saints, the keyboard, the choir loft; and looking at all the people who have become my family in the parish. “You’re going to leave them? But you love them so much!” There it goes again.

Obviously, the enemy’s trying to confuse me, trying to mind-talk me out of pursuing my vocation. Yet when everything seems so confusing, I cannot but turn to The Truth, the only lasting reality. Only The Truth can set me free from confusion. And so I pray. And the Holy Spirit comforts me, leading me gently back to the reality of God’s call. My mind can never understand God’s reasons, so unfathomable! But my heart and my spirit confidently rests on the only reason that matters: God loves me.

In four days, my life will change. My HUGE family (in estimate, around 120 ) will join me in my journey to my new home: the Formation House of the Dominican Sisters of St. Joseph. As I bid goodbye to them, I turn around and wave hello to my new family: Mo. Virginia OP, Sr. Mae OP, Sr. Del, Bernadette, Tintin, my dearest Sr. Elisa OP, and all OP-St. Joseph Sisters. And from there I will embrace everything God will be giving me through my vocation.

Surreal?

So real.

“I love the Lord.” – Psalm 116

Ngiti. Ngiti ng pagkatuwa, pagkamangha at paghanga. Habang kinukuwento ni SEF kung gaano kahusay ang mga estudyante niyang 2nd year sa Immaculate Conception Minor Seminary, hindi maalis sa aking mukha ang ngiti. Parang nakaka-excite na maging madre, ma-assign sa seminaryo at maging guro ng mga seminarista na ganoon kahuhusay. ^_^

Minsang naging malikhain si Teacher SEF sa pagturo ng lesson sa Religion, gumupit siya ng mga litrato ng iba’t ibang mga bagay na mahalaga sa buhay natin: pagkain, kotse, cellphone, barko, at iba pa. Bawat isang litrato ay ibinigay sa isang seminarista at sila ay inatasang ipaliwanag ang kaugnayan ng litrato sa Liturhiya.

Narito ang mga magagandang bahagi ng dalawang pinakamahuhusay sulatin ng dalawang seminaristang nakakuha ng pinakamatataas na marka:

“With the liturgy with us, we can be transported to eternal life…”
“The liturgy is always with us and it also cannot be taken from us.”
“Without the liturgy, we can be called wanderers in life, wondering and thirsting for God.”
“We must receive the sacraments open-heartedly to appreciate its true meaning, like a car that we should take care of it so that it may last.”
- A Car, A Liturgy by Edrylle C. Dayrit

“Sometimes, if you don’t have a cellphone, you are considered as poor. Well, if you have no faith, you really are poor.” – Liturgy and Cellphone by Allan Geoffrey G. Cruz

O di ba? Maiisip mo bang ganyan ang pagkakaugnay ng kotse at cellphone sa Liturhiya? Nakakatuwa! Mainam ding pagnilayan upang palagian nating maisip na si Kristo sa Liturhiya ay kasama natin sa lahat ng oras, maging sa mga ordinaryong pagkakataon sa ating buhay.

Tunay na ang Panginoon ay gumagabay sa Kanyang mga pinili maging sa kanilang mga murang edad. Nakatutuwang isipin ang kanilang magiging hinaharap bilang mga pari – kung patuloy silang aasa sa Diyos para sa karunungang ibabahagi nila sa lahat.

^_^

Para sa kumpletong sipi ng kanilang mga sulatin, tumungo lamang sa Likhandog.

Related link: Immaculate Conception Major Seminary

August 8, 2008 [08/08/2008]

• Araw ng pagpasok ko sa Dominican Sisters of St. Joseph
• Araw ni St. Dominic
• Ang reflection sa Didache ay tungkol kay St. Joseph
• Birthday ni Ate Ana Leonorio

AT isa pa, eight years na simula ng sumali ako sa Charismatic Community at naging choir. Eight years na akong nagse-serve sa simbahan! ^_^

Ang galing, ano?

~~~

Part 2: St. Therese of Lisieux

May 12 – Ibinigay sa akin ni SEF OP ang isang pinatuyong rosas na may tangkay – ang second degree relic ni St. Therese of Lisieux nang minsan dinala rito sa Bulacan ang kanyang relikya.

July 5 3PM – Binigyan ako ni Bro. MBC ng tatlong pulang rosas (fresh roses!) matapos akong manalangin tungkol sa kongregasyong papasukan ko – petition granted (according to the signs from St. Therese)!

July 16 Feast of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel – kinuwento sa akin ni Ate Ana na noong ikalawang araw ng triduum para sa kapistahan, at gayundi’y Healing Mass, nang minsan nanalangin ng Aba Po Santa Mariang Hari (Hail Holy Queen). Hinanap niya ang tinig ng dahil wala na ang commentator. Ako iyong nangunguna; nang mapalingon sa akin kuwento niya, “parang kamukha mo iyong picture ni St. Therese na nakapusod siya, pinanatatanda yung itsura niya para makapasok sa kumbento…”

Lahat ng iyan ay magkakaugnay at ang nagtutulay ay ang mga banal na sina St. Dominic, St. Therese of Lisieux at ang Mahal na Inang Maria. Grabe, ang lakas ko sa kanila! Hehe.

Be strong, my spirit
for the Lord’s love will prevail,
and His will is of goodness.
Though mind cannot understand
or heart cannot accept for now,
be strong, my spirit,
for His love will always prevail.

Pain is only now,
joy is forever.
Be strong, my spirit,
His love will never fail.
At the end of suffering
is glory everlasting.
Though mind can’t conceive
the mystery of His will,
Oh spirit, my spirit, be strong
His love will never fail,
His love will always prevail.

Yna Suello – 07/15/2008

July 15, 2008 4:30PM – my Momsy Wowie passed away. Mary Catherine, my loving best friend, my sister in Christ has left us. Now she has joined the choir of angels in heaven, singing praises to God, her love, her life. She is truly loved here in our parish community; so much! Lots of tears fell when the sad news broke out. Yet somehow, mine did not.

On the morning of July 15, as I prayed, I spoke to the Lord; my tears, my grief – I was being broken. I was supposed to visit her in the hospital that night, but my Momsy did not wait for me. On that sad, sad, morning, my heart was in pain, for even though my hope fights for her recovery, I had this part in me that told me my Momsy will be leaving soon.

Strong. My Momsy wants us, her loved ones, to be strong, for she doesn’t want us crying, she doesn’t want to see us grieving. Her death is saddening, but this death, her leaving this world, is her birth in Heaven. It may seem that God has taken her to Him because her mission has been accomplished, but I believe this is just the start. “I will be of more use to you in heaven, than here on earth,” St. Dominic told his companions in the congregation as he was about to die. Momsy has done lots of good deeds here on earth, but in Heaven, she will be able to touch more lives, protect more souls.

Even though Momsy has physically left us, in my heart she is much alive. She will always be with me, beside me, protecting me. She is now my angel.

What did I want to do? I wanted to recite the Liturgy of the Hours. But of course I can’t, I’m at work. So I looked for a way to listen to others reciting, much better – chanting, the Liturgy of the Hours.

I was kind of doubtful to actually find a site where I can listen to chanted lauds or vespers, but as a song goes, “God will make a way, when there seems to be no way.” Sometimes, He even connives with His saints to help us get through.

Today is St. Benedict’s day. I guess he can so relate with me that he helped me with my boredom. As I looked at the results of the google search I made on chanted Liturgy of the Hours. I found the perfect site: Monastery Podcast. The lauds and vespers, straight from the monastery of the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration! Take note: Benedictine, right smack St. Benedict’s day.

Ah, the beauty of technology.

Now my soul is alive! ^_^

Naisip ko lang: ang pinagdadaanan ko sa buhay ngayon ay maitutulad ko isang bridal march ng isang wedding entourage.

Sa aking paglalakad sa gitna ng simbahan, iba’t ibang mukha ng tao ang dinadadaanan ko – karamihan sa kanila’y mahalaga sa akin. (Syempre, kasal yun, sino pa ba’ng iimbitahan? ) At ilan sa kanila ay mga taong talagang malapit sa puso ko.

Sa bahaging ito ng aking paglalakad, ay mukha ng mga madre ang dinadaanan ko. Masasayang mukha, mga mukhang nakangiti; masaya sila para sa akin. Kung minsan nga’y naiisip kong huminto na lang sa paglalakad at makipagkwentuhan na lang sa kanila; tulad na lang kay Sr. EF. Pero, hello?! Hindi iyon ang ending ng paglalakad ko. HINDI IYON ANG DULO. May Naghihintay pa sa akin. At para makarating ako sa Kanya, kailangan kong lampasan ang mga tuwang pansamantala at panandalian; pagtagumpayan ang mga naising makapaglalayo sa akin sa Kanya. Taos noo, diretso akong magpapatuloy sa aking paglakad hanggang sa mahawi ang iba’t ibang mga mukha at tanging mukha na lamang Niya ang aking makita – wala nang iba.

At gayundin, ang mga mata ng mga mukhang noong una’y sa akin nakabaling, hindi ko na nais na manatiling nakatuon sa akin. Ang hangad ko ay Mukha Niya ang kanilang makita sa akin, hanggang ang mga mata nila’y sa Kanya na nakatingin.

Amen.

To see the Face of God is my heart’s desire…
- The Face of God, MV Francisco SJ

In that gospel of Matthew which our holy father Dominic loved and carried with him, we read that after the Last Supper, Jesus and his apostles sang a hymn and then went to the Mount of Olives. In the Acts of the Apostles, we read that when Paul and Silas were imprisoned in Philippi, they prayed and sang hymns to God, and the prisoners listened to them. In Colossians 3:16, St Paul instructs the Christian community to “sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God”. Hence Joseph Ratzinger has said that: “Right from the beginning liturgy and music have been closely related [for] wherever people praise God, words alone do not suffice.” St Augustine said that “only he who loves can sing” and the Christian is one who loves the God who has first loved us. Therefore because music expresses our Christian joy in salvation and hope of eternal life, it is right that it plays such a central role in our lives and worship. Moreover, as Timothy Radcliffe OP has said, “Music overcomes the darkness and speaks a hope for what we cannot imagine”. Music is thus a powerful form of preaching.

Finally, Pope John Paul II leaves us with food for thought, something to inspire us to cultivate and to draw from the treasury of sacred music and hopefully, to pray and contemplate with music. He said: “As a manifestation of the human spirit, music performs a function which is noble, unique and irreplaceable. When it is truly beautiful and inspired, its speaks to us more than all the other arts of goodness, virtue, peace, of matters holy and divine.”

(For the complete entry, go to the Godzdogz site – click on my Dominican Links.)

Personally, God has given me the wonderful love for music and singing which lately has been a great help for my prayer life. And as my prayer life deepens, so does my love for music. If in the past, I sing to feel good about myself, to show off my talent, or just to win contests, I now have realized that these reason do not match to THE ultimate reason why I can sing. My voice, like my life, has been given to me for a Divine purpose and whenever I sing for the glory of God, I don’t just sing, I praise. And in most effective ways, I don’t just praise: I preach.

Lilimang araw palang mula noong makapagdesisyon akong September 8 ang petsa ng pagpasok ko ng kumbento, heto’t binabalikwa na naman ni Lord ang aking mga plano.

Isang pangkaraniwang araw ng Huwebes ngunit nagkaroon ng di pangkaraniwang kwentuhan kami ni Sr. EF. Dapat talaga, hindi ko muna sasabihin sa kanya ng napili kong araw ng pagpasok, pero hindi ko na naman napigilan – nadulas na naman ako.

“Suggestion lang ha. Bakit hindi mo na lang gawing August 8, Feast ni St. Dominic, para after one month, September 8, sakto, postulancy mo,” text ni Sr. EF.

Sa gitna ng aking pagkagulat sa nakuhang opinyon, dali dali kong kinumpirma sa internet: August 8 nga ang feast day ni St. Dominic. Nang mapagtanto ang katotohanan, halos matunaw sa pagkamangha at matinding galak ang aking puso. Sa loob-loob ko kasi, napakatagal ng September 8! Hindi ko matanggihan! Para bang ginamit na naman ni Lord si Sr. EF para suyuin akong bilisan na ang pagsama ko sa Kanya. Haay..

Umiyak ako. =’c

Para akong binusan ng kumukulong tsokolate: masarap dahil tsokolate, masakit dahil mainit. Masakit dahil parehong mahirap tanggihan at mahirap tanggapin. Nahahati ako.

Samu’t saring bagay ang pumasok sa isip ko para magdulot ng takot. Baka magalit sa akin si Papa, si Fr. RC; sabihin nila masyado akong pabago-bago. Pero hindi ko talaga matanggihan ang petsang August 8!

Si Lord talaga, mahilig baguhin ang mga plano ko. Pero dahil nga naman Siya na naman ang kumilos, itinaas ko na sa Kanya ang lahat ng takot na nararamdaman ko. Hiningi ko sa Kanya ang tapang.

AJAH!

One sunny Tuesday afternoon in January of this year, I was denied of a worldly whim. As I walked past the closed doors of a shop, my feet brought me to a place I did not plan to go to that day. But, for some unexplainable reason, the closer I got to this place, the more I got excited — eager to just hang out with my Best Friend.

When I reached the church gates, my shoulders slumped and my heart fell. The gates were closed.

How badly did I want to open them! Open this up! Please! PLEASE! That was all my mind could shout. I can see the Tabernacle from where I was, but it was not enough. I need to kneel close to Him.

I walked around the surrounds of the church, hoping for a loose lock. There was none.

With great sadness, I sat down. I might have given up entering the church but my spirit was strong.

I bowed my head down in prayer. Every word that came out through my lips expressed my yearning, longing, desperate need to be beside Jesus Christ in the Blessed Sacrament. Tears flowed and I kept sobbing but not out of physical sadness. My spirit was crying.

In the midst of sobs, my lips found its way into singing the words of my soul…

Here I am Lord, is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if you lead me,
I will hold Your people in my heart.

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.

I who made the stars of night
I will make their darkness bright
Who will bear My light to them,
Whom shall I send?

I, the Lord of snow and rain
I have borne My people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.

I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak My words to them,
Whom shall I send?

Click to listen through imeem.com
Words and music by Daniel Schutte
Copyright 1981

“Kailan nyo po kakausapin si GC?” biglaang makulit na tanong ko kay Fr. RC. Ayaw ko namang mangulit o ano, pero hindi na kasi ako mapakali. Habang tumatagal, lalo akong naaatat na pumasok na ng kumbento. Lalo na ngayong OK na sa pamilya ko. Kung anu-ano na ngang pinag-iiisip ko sa tagal ng paghihintay.

Sabay bato ni Fr. RC sa akin ng tanong na, “E kelan ka ba aalis? Paano ko sya kakausapin, wala ka pang date kung kelan ka papasok.”

“Ako po ba magbibigay ng date?” Pagtataka kong tanong. (Duh?! May nag-resign na walang binibigay na resignation date?! Yna naman talaga!)

Dugtong pa niya, “Nakapili ka na ba ng papasukan. RCM ba?”

“Sa St. Joseph po; gusto ko sa St.Joseph.” Nakayuko kong sagot. (Nahihiya kasi ako.)

“E hindi ka pa nga nakakapag-overnight sa St. Joseph–” Hindi ko na sya pinatapos.

“Sa July 13 at 14 po ang overnight ko sa kanila.” Sagot ko. Sabay dugtong, “Tapos 15 papasok na ako. Hehe.” Joke lang.

Tapos tinanong ko sya, “Ano po ba ang okasyon pag August; ano pong meron?” Kasi gusto ko pag pumasok ako, may special occasion.

Wala naman sya naisagot agad, kaya sinabi ko na lang, “Kung sakali pong wala, September 8 na lang.”

“Birthday ni Mama Mary? Mainam ‘yon. O sige, sige.” Tumatangong pagsang-ayon niya. “O e di August 15, ite-train mo na si Gladdys.”

“Sige po!” Nagbilin lang ng kaunti, tapos nagba-bye na siya kasi may bibinyagan pa siya sa itaas.

≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈

Napaisip ako, di kaya parang matagal yung September 8? Sumilip ako sa Catholic Online Saints page para tingnan yung list ng mga banal na may feast day ng August. Minsan kasi nabanggit ko kay Sr. EF OP na in God’s will, we’ll be celebrating our birthdays together (July 29 ako, sya August 25.) Pero when I browsed the dates.. OK sana yung August 22, Feastday of the Queenship of Mary, kaso August 23 is Ana’s birthday, 29th naman is Dondon’s.

Therefore, I am convinced na tama ang date na pinili ko. Kahit binigla ko lang sarili ko sa pagpili… I feel na tama lang ang date na yon. At least I could spend my last month with my family, with 2 birthday celebrations pa. Actually 3, kasama yung birthday ko.

So, Lord, it’s a date! ^_^